Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Learning all the time, every day, forever.

Hey all.

I haven't posted in so long, whhhaat?? I find that in time of adjustments I kind of become a zombie.. for instance, working again.. I find I just have a lower desire for much else. I come home, want to hang out with Mark, eat, sleep. I am longing for more and feeling unfulfilled lately, but I am also learning to have grace for myself as I am adjusting and realizing that even if my brain doesn't feel like it's doing much active adjusting, I think my body and soul and everything else are. Mark has been working what seems like lots of night and weekends and this has meant more than enough solo time. I am not good at being alone yet. I really am terrible at it. I feel sorry for myself in an instant and can be so incredibly uncreative with what to do with the time stretching out and out and out before me. Again, grace for myself. I haven't really ever had to do it! I sometimes feel an actual ache in my chest, something close to what I remember heartbreak feeling like, when I think of my family and friends and just so badly wanting to have them in my house and how casual it would be and silly, and how we wouldn't need to ask a billion questions about each other because we already know it all. I was trying to describe this feeling to Mark and he countered with how great and exciting it is to meet new people and I did have to agree with him in the end. But, when I see group of friends on the street and I'm trailing behind them by myself (ha, I sound so pathetic) I just want to be in BC so badly. In hindsight of moving to Calgary, I've been realizing that I never really prepared mentally for what the move would mean. I never really mourned all the goodbyes I was saying. They've just slowly been hitting me every day since I left and haven't stopped. There have been lots of tears lately in our house. I don't know how to make new friends! I am not friendly. I was talking to Mark the other day and something to the effect of " I think people tend to respond well when I smile at them' and he just laughed and said I sounded like an alien visiting Earth, learning the habits of humans. But I honestly feel like I am just not the personality to make new friends and I've been thrown in a situation where that's all I really need to do. I'm not outgoing, bubbly... even very friendly. I don't know how much to pursue people, what's appropriate, what's weird, what's not enough. I really have no clue. In contrast, Mark is so good at it and it's infuriating sometimes! People always want to hang out with him, he could honestly be busy every weeknight if he wanted and I wouldn't be alone. I've also started doing this terrible thing where people here ask me how I like Calgary and I basically just say 'I have no friends and I'm miserable' which I don't think is very appealing to outsiders. I was telling Mark that it's just me being honest and what I think is vulnerable, but it may be coming across as horribly unattractive and whiney.

WHOA. That's a long paragraph. I didn't realize I was going to write that much. I bought a set of moleskins the other day and felt the thrill of breaking them in. I wrote four pages in the first sitting. I haven't written for so long! I will try to filter my thoughts better next time on the blog.

Mark and I have been up and down and all around lately. It's so funny how one night will feel like living hell and the next lunch date will feel like we're dating again and we can't stop laughing. Lately has been a rougher patch but with some really sweet interruptions sprinkled in. Like cool summer evening strolls and going out for burritos. Like making my first lasagna and garage sales in the morning together. There has been lots of talking, lots of planning, lots of compromise and teaching. It's so crazy how those components are what make up a relationship. Just showing up for one another every day even when you're angry, hurt, tired, hopeless. Because suddenly one day, it kinda just creeps up on you, you realize you've been doing really well lately and your love is stronger and you sort of just build on that until whatever is next comes your way.

In conclusion I should say that I am, underneath all the lonliness and missing, in the very bottom of my heart so thankful that Mark and I are here in Calgary together. He's becoming my family here. I rely on him here like I never could in Abbotsford and for that, living here has been worth it, and I'd do it fifty times over.

Here's us on a walk. If I had just posted the pictures we'd of probably seemed so happy and carefree here in Calgs. PSYCH!

Taking the garbage out. It's just a reality!

The end.


  1. You are friendly, and fun and interesting and have a beautiful authentic smile and depth and compassion. You will make more friends. Remember how long it took our friendship to blossom? A while :)
    But I hear you girl, I think a lot of those same thoughts about myself, all the time, and Im still in Abbotsford! I commend you for your courage to move away and embrace this challenge. You are learning so much. I wish we could hang out all the time. Love you to bitz. Mark too.

  2. Beth,

    Your honesty IS sweet, refreshing and vulnerable. For us tender souls, honesty can be a deeper way of reaching out to another. Thank you for that.

    It is encouraging to hear that your suffering is mixed with learning to grow, and adjust. Blessings on you and Mark as you continue your difficult but worthwhile journey.

    I hold you in my heart.

  3. I was trying to describe this feeling to Mark and he countered with how great and exciting it is to meet new people and I did have to agree with him in the end. But, when I see group of friends on the street and I'm trailing behind them by myself (ha, I sound so pathetic) I just want to be in BC so badly.

    ... What you just described up there, happened to me tonight. Made me realized that I'm not alone, nor am I pathetic.. like I thought I was. So you aren't pathetic, either;p. I know that I only moved to the City, and you moved thousands of miles away, but my best friend moved away over 4 years ago now, and since then.. no "new" friendship has come as effortlessly.

  4. You are beautiful. Your writing, your honesty, and your vulnerability are beautiful. I can't imagine how hard it would be to move away from everything you know. I get all scared and shaky just thinking about it.

    Your description of a relationship was really touching. It really is about showing up, eh? Something for me to remember to when our lives are hectic and crazy and seem to only ever be about the kids and new baby :)